December 16, 2015

  • The Year As It Kinda Was, Well Sorta

    As 2015 is being chased out the door by a hail of bullets, it is important for us to reflect on the follies and jollies that made up this wacky year, but first, call 911! or neuf ans ans, because.....

    ....started out with le bang in Paris, as several severe critics of French humor expressed their views, one of which seems to be a faith in the efficacy of sick violence to bring people around to their way of thinking. I agree with the terrorists, people who make fun of other's beliefs should not have to fear retaliation by enemies of freedom. Have I got that right, future martyrs but current cowards? Look, if we, out of a fear of retaliation, don't make fun of the terrorists, then the terrorists win.

    Okay, onto the serious business of recapping this madcap year, which continued with Obama's controversial executive decision that addressed streamlining the electoral process in this country, updating the outmoded system of primaries and caucuses, back rooms and brokered conventions. The POTUS MODUS Act of 2015 shifted the responsibility of choosing our next President and those thereafter to the producers of TV talent and Reality shows. Some governor in the Midwest was the first to register to sing his qualifications on America's Got Talent; nobody cared. Israel's Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu, has been asked to do a cameo spot, wherein he will serve as judge and commentator, and do a mean version of "If I were Rich Man".

    The GOP saw fodder for the anti-Obama fire in the latest economic statistics, which recorded a sharp rise in the number of jobs created as well as a significant drop in the unemployment rate. "That is 129,000 more non-farm and seasonal workers some of whom will have to work during the Super Bowl, many more who will miss greeting the kids coming home from school," said House Speaker John Boehner, "thanks to the Machiavellian machinations of this...malevolent President!"

    Iran has tentatively agreed to a preliminary draft of a treaty that will seek to curb the country's steadily increasing mass production of Persian Cats, which has driven the price of all domestic felines to new lows. Questionable neutering methods and unenforced spaying requirements, announced inspections of known kennels, better accounting of disposed kitty litter, by weight and volume both before and after usage, are sticking points with an increasingly hostile Republican Party. Senate leader Mitch McConnell insists that the inclusion of furball analyses run on imported kittens is not a hindrance to free trade. "Besides", he adds,"we have enough furballs jamming the vacuum cleaners of this country already, why allow more, that probably carry foreign pathogens that will compete with our American pathogens?"
    And things only got more interesting in....


    When Vladimir Putin, the bare-chested ruler of Russia, thus an idol of the American Right, Leader de facto for Life, re-Builder of the Soviet Union, became a contestant on Russia's number one talent show, Sing! We Know Where Your Family Lives!, and immediately declared himself the winner, saying, "No one here can compete with me, they fear my ability, my range, they respect my breath control, they only dis me because I am so talented, I see no reason to listen to my opponents."
    In America, someone was paying heed to Putin's words. Donald Trump picked up the phone, "Get me on America's Got Talent. And the Voice, Amazing Race, Let's Make A Deal! I'm winning them all!" {to be continued}