June 13, 2011

• Weinergate! A Play in Progress...

  Thank you for attending this rehearsal, which, because of the tardiness of the author, will feature only the musical numbers, no dialog. As you know, we had to make some changes to the play and story line, due to the number of injuries incurred in the premier performance. The Hellfire special effect will not be used in today's rehearsal, and we would like to offer to all those who suffered burns free tickets and our best wishes for speedy recoveries. Okay, On With The Show! 

   

  Opening scene: Representative Tony Weiner is speaking to a crowd of reporters, all of whom are shouting questions.....

  Rep. Anthony Weiner-
  That wasn't me
  no, no siree
  why can't you see
  it cannot be
  that it was me in those very graphic poses

  I know it looks bad
  on your mom's I-Pad
  I know your mad
  but I've been had
  I'm no cad, and the voters in my district know this

  (As the reporters do a synchronized dance routine, the scene darkens, and reopens with Tony still singing, only now in Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi's offices...)

  Madame Pelosi, please believe me
  Someone hacked me
  And then they punk'd me
  It's a scam!
  I've been spammed!
  It's very clear,
  By the right-wing I'm getting jammed here!

  With a fuzzy, photo-shopped, but all the same, quite impressive...memberrr!!

  (A typical Broadway show-stopping tune, I had no particular song in mind here- MF)

  ------------------------------------------------

  (A respected Senator ponders the irony of his party's shock over Weinergate)

  David Vitter's the name, and I play the Washington game
  Luckily, the media forgot about me, for I am Weiner's equal in shame
  Adultering sin is worse than Twittering sin, unless you are a Republican
  demanding Wiener's seat while I go scot-free is the latest GOP hypocrisy

  Last night, I had lobbyists come see me, to give us campaign money
  Last night, The party said excuse me, while they called Weiner scummy, they said
  Wawawawa wahhh, it's different now, Weiner's a lib and Vitter's our pal...

  I made my wife stand with me, when I culpa'd my mea publicly
  Weiner stood alone when he confessed his lie to Pelosi
  Now, if you are caught in a dalliance
  After you've preached to kids about abstinence
  You can be against dancin' and still go wide-stancin'
  Just as long as you are a Republican

  Last night, I had a fund-raiser at home, while Weiner was slammed
  Last night, I had a fund raiser at home, later I called my madam...

  (To the tune, The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down, R. Robertson)

   

  (As the story refuses to go away, and newly leaked details are undermining Weiner's already weak denials, the distraught congressman seeks the advice of a wise statesman who has been there and done that)

   

  Bill Clinton-
  It always seems to become the latest news
  when a politician is caught out with a flooze
  Now I'm here to say, if your marriage is but a ruse
  there must be better ways to hide a lover

  Just pay her in green, Dean
  Use a fake name, James
  a phony mustache, Dash
  You better listen to me
  Don't crap where you eat, Pete
  Staff wives are taboo, Lou
  That kid's still in school, fool,
  She's really a man, Stan
  The one kissing on you

  I can't figure why you think you are invisible
  that any snoops will find you invincible
  So your hobbies had best all be forgiveable
  Unless you know how to hide a lover

  Try a girl who is deaf, Jeff
  Or one who is blind, Stein 
  If she says she never saw you
  That's one less that's lyin'
  Pay her fair and square, Jer'
  say it's her patriotic duty, Rudy
  It's a top secret affair.

  (Sung to the tune 50 ways to leave your lover", by Paul Simon)

  (of course, it all comes out, the whole sordid story, and what should have been a blip on an otherwise fine career has become that career's defining moment. Weiner tells us that he's sorry, and we tell him...)

  The Public-
  A place in Hell, a special place in Hell
  for politicians caught dead to rights
  and still bald-face lies they tell

  There's still room in Hell, I pray there's room in Hell
  Such a sincere denial, but don't be surprised
  If no one but Mom believes in your lies

  You dumbbell
  You took a short story and made it a saga
  You've less media savvy than Lady Gaga
  Oh well..

  If you are in Congress
  and doing things scandalous
  admit it, get treatment, get it over with quick
  don't lie and deny, it's so goddam pathetic

  (Somewhere-Bernstein/Sondheim)

   

  • 6:45 am
  • 4 Comments