• The Year As It Kinda Was, Well Sorta

    As 2015 is being chased out the door by a hail of bullets, it is important for us to reflect on the follies and jollies that made up this wacky year, but first, call 911! or neuf ans ans, because.....

    ....started out with le bang in Paris, as several severe critics of French humor expressed their views, one of which seems to be a faith in the efficacy of sick violence to bring people around to their way of thinking. I agree with the terrorists, people who make fun of other's beliefs should not have to fear retaliation by enemies of freedom. Have I got that right, future martyrs but current cowards? Look, if we, out of a fear of retaliation, don't make fun of the terrorists, then the terrorists win.

    Okay, onto the serious business of recapping this madcap year, which continued with Obama's controversial executive decision that addressed streamlining the electoral process in this country, updating the outmoded system of primaries and caucuses, back rooms and brokered conventions. The POTUS MODUS Act of 2015 shifted the responsibility of choosing our next President and those thereafter to the producers of TV talent and Reality shows. Some governor in the Midwest was the first to register to sing his qualifications on America's Got Talent; nobody cared. Israel's Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu, has been asked to do a cameo spot, wherein he will serve as judge and commentator, and do a mean version of "If I were Rich Man".

    The GOP saw fodder for the anti-Obama fire in the latest economic statistics, which recorded a sharp rise in the number of jobs created as well as a significant drop in the unemployment rate. "That is 129,000 more non-farm and seasonal workers some of whom will have to work during the Super Bowl, many more who will miss greeting the kids coming home from school," said House Speaker John Boehner, "thanks to the Machiavellian machinations of this...malevolent President!"

    Iran has tentatively agreed to a preliminary draft of a treaty that will seek to curb the country's steadily increasing mass production of Persian Cats, which has driven the price of all domestic felines to new lows. Questionable neutering methods and unenforced spaying requirements, announced inspections of known kennels, better accounting of disposed kitty litter, by weight and volume both before and after usage, are sticking points with an increasingly hostile Republican Party. Senate leader Mitch McConnell insists that the inclusion of furball analyses run on imported kittens is not a hindrance to free trade. "Besides", he adds,"we have enough furballs jamming the vacuum cleaners of this country already, why allow more, that probably carry foreign pathogens that will compete with our American pathogens?"
    And things only got more interesting in....


    When Vladimir Putin, the bare-chested ruler of Russia, thus an idol of the American Right, Leader de facto for Life, re-Builder of the Soviet Union, became a contestant on Russia's number one talent show, Sing! We Know Where Your Family Lives!, and immediately declared himself the winner, saying, "No one here can compete with me, they fear my ability, my range, they respect my breath control, they only dis me because I am so talented, I see no reason to listen to my opponents."
    In America, someone was paying heed to Putin's words. Donald Trump picked up the phone, "Get me on America's Got Talent. And the Voice, Amazing Race, Let's Make A Deal! I'm winning them all!" {to be continued}

  • Jeremiah WAS a Bull-frog, until he became a Cow

    What happened to Bruce Jenner?
    He was an Olympian man
    Now he's been overstressed, seen wearing a dress
    It's tempting, man, to blame his clan
    After all, they're Kardashians

    Ed Snowden and Chelsea Manning,
    Are they heroes and/or spies?
    The feds couldn't catch Ed, then Chelsea said
    that he never felt like a guy
    Guess who paid for his change? You And I!

    Boy, wotta world!
    Boys wanting to be to be girls now
    Why not buy some gills and become a fish,
    or a spider become a fly?

    If they exposed the King of the world
    and he became a Queen
    Would he stop any wars in any part of the world
    Because of clashing color schemes?
    Would he ban earthtones and greens?

    Boy, wotta world!
    Unisex is the word now
    The way to tell girls from boys, it seems to me
    Now it's boys who try to look pretty

    If you're going to become ladies,
    And hang around in bars
    Can't you tattoo your behind, or at least wear a sign
    So I won't invite you to my car
    I hate surprises in my car

  • If Any State Were To Do This, It Would Be……

    (Tallahassee, Florida)- In a ceremony held on the steps of the state Capitol, Governor Scott today signed into law a bill known as the "Honest Mistake" bill, which protects anyone who hurts, maims, or kills another person or persons, because of a sincere belief that said person or persons meant the attacker harm. The bill reads, in part, "No one shall be indicted, arrested, nor otherwise face legal or civil penalty for causing injury, fear, or death upon another, if said other person has been perceived to be .... a threat, even if the perception was false, if said perception was arrived at on the basis of the best information available at the time.....of the incident."
    "Dang! This don't come soon enough for me!" says Danny "blindbat' Sargent, of Opa-Locka, who had been charged with 2nd degree murder of his neighbor, who had been raking leaves near the property line the two shared. Sargent, who was outside feeding his hunting dogs, saw his neighbor Hank Tankeray, making odd motions with his hands. "I seen what looked like a rifle in his hands. I couldn't see the rake end, 'cause my view was blocked by my wife's car. I dint have no time to wait and see if it really was a gun, or why Hank wanted me dead, I did what I had to do. I got two kids still livin' at home, and their young'uns, too. You'da done the same thing!"
    "We did consider the possibility that there might be a bump in the homicide statistics," Said Taylor County Sheriff Bud "bud" Budgerigar, "but they would fall in the "cleared" category, thus not boosting our stats negatively."
    Others aren't so sure. "I'm not sure, said Sam Freleng (D), one of a handful who opposed the bill. "what if a kid playfully points his finger like it was a gun," at which point the Representative demonstrated the activity, and its getting dark, and someone...."
    At that moment, a man who had been watching the interview yelled. He's got a gun!" and fired his own weapon, A blue-metaled Sig Sauer with a 12-round clip and modified trigger mechanism, ( Continued on page 7)


    The target approached the bushes where Ito crouched, his black garb blending into the shadows, and again Ito hesitated.
    "What if he sees me me, and draws his sword before I strike? Better I should wait until he passes me by then slip up and stab him from behind, Yes! That is what I shall do."
    The figure walked by Ito, oblivious to his presence, and the assassin made to strike....
    "What if he hears me?" Ito thinks, "That is a sharp sword he has, he might be good with it, too.... I know!", Ito silently exults as he digs into a pocket of his shozoku, "I will kill him with a well-thrown star before he re-enters the house, and I have lost my last chance to fulfill my duty."
    Again, he fidgets, adjusts his posture, starts to throw, then brings his arm down to his sighing disgustedly, as the one marked for death blithely enters his house and sanctuary.
    "I probably would have missed. "Maybe I will get another chance tomorrow, if the weather isn't bad."
    Such is the drive to prevail, to carry out the warlord's commands , yet only if conditions are just right. Such is the code of the Ninja Worrier


    Now that corporations, thanks to the Supreme Court’s decision re Citizens United, have been granted personhood, many questions come to mind:

    1) Can companies that want to merge get hitched by the Vatican? BTW, shouldn’t the Catholic Church be registered as a sex offender?
    2) Shouldn’t older, established companies that seek to buy smaller, younger firms be considered pervs?
    3) Will amnesty be granted to the 1000's of illegal companias that can be expected to migrate northward, seeking economic freedom and a larger customer base?
    4) Are corporations male or female? I would say male, because they hate to admit when they’re wrong. However, try to get a straight answer from one about it’s latest quarterly loss…..
    5) Could advertising now be considered Bragging, and thus frowned upon? (could be a bright side to Citizens united, after all)
    6) I wonder how many famous corporations have been recruited into Scientology?
    7) Do viruses that hack into corporate files now fall under the purview of the Center for Disease Control?
    8) Does this make Warren Buffett and the Koch Brothers polygamists?
    9) Is it true that Karl Rove was just hired by Wal-Mart to head an “exploratory committee”? And what are Exxon, Ford Motors, and Apple doing in Iowa this week?
    10) If General Electric ever went private, would it have to change it’s name?

    More later; right now, I have to get ready for my lunch date with this cute little start-up I met at Spinnaker’s.