My fan base (Ron) asked me when my year-end review was coming out. I had not planned on doing it this year, being busy with personal growth issues, assessing my financial state and my place in society, and burning ants with a magnifying glass. (I'm not being childish, did you know that ants bite us because they hate our freedom?)
for a look at the 1st half of the year, go here
July
The combined efforts of government and private industry have thus far failed to stem the flow of black, vile, poison emitting from a hole leading to the foulest depths. But enough about rep. Michelle Bachmann's latest utterings for now; let's see how the professionals and experts are managing the spill from BP's hole in the Gulf of Mexico.
Having tried the 'top kill'(Failed), the 'bottom kill'(Failed), and the 'junk shot'(you guessed it), the expertly professional oil-leak stopper guys have decided that the next effort will called the 'cheap shot'. When asked how it works, professional expert Silas 'Sy' Entist explained. " There was a heated discussion and 'buzz kill' and 'double shot' were both suggested as possible terms, and perhaps we will utilize those in the future should "cheap shot' not work." A reporter repeated the question as to the mechanics of 'cheap shot', and Entist admitted, "So far, all we have is the name. But it's a cool name, and we will devise a plan worthy of it."
In other oil spill news, the First Family visited the Gulf Coast in an effort to boost tourism in the area, which has suffered from the reports of oil on the beaches. President Obama arranged a photo op of himself and daugter Sasha swimming in pristine water. Footage of Sasha making 'oil pies' on the beach was never aired.
Things are starting to heat up in advance of the November elections and Sarah Palin made several comments that had pundits shaking their heads for days.
President Obama, responding to complaints from the right that he wasn't pandering enough to their whiny demands, asks, "What do they expect me to do, keep Gauntanamo prison open and try the prisoners in courts where they cannot mount a competent defense? Two days later, Obama signs the "Keep the American Gulag Open And Hold Show Trials, Just Like a Friggin' Third World Dictatorship ' Act. Speaker Nancy Pelosi hails the bill as an act of 'superb diplomatic caving', while minority leader John Boehner says it 'doesn't go far enough'.
August
Wikileaks, a group of idealistic tattle-tales, released yet another mega-batch of files. Their last release, a zillion memos, interoffice notifications, meeting minutes, and missiles drawn on cocktail napkins, indicated what few did not already know, that things are not going well in Afghanistan. The Justice Department has declared that they will put an end to the 'mentioning of the obvious'. Citing possible unrest, Attorney General Holder said, "What if somebody starts spreading the notion that corn-based ethanol won't help America, indeed, it will cause more problems than it fixes? Who wants that?" Holder said. "Or what if, theoretically speaking, wiki next releases texts of leading financiers admitting that the global financial system has less structural integrity than a sand castle in the Bay of Fundy? Or that an asteroid the size of Tokyo is on a collision course with the earth...China is running things now..." at this point, AG Holder was hustled off the stage, due to vague security threats, according to sources that will remain anonymous if I know what is good for me.
Talkings heads were busy the very next Sunday, responding to Sarah Palin's outrageous comments about wikileaks. But others were pondering the significance of a petite young lady in Maryland, one who was never a witch. Was ex-gov. Palin's lock on outrageous statements in jeopardy? Tune in next month, the month some called....
September
The leak is plugged! Not the wiki thing, the BP thing. Yes the well is capped, the oil has disappeared, and fish taste better than ever. We don't have reporters anymore, we have repeaters, hacks who read back press releases written by the scoundrels that reporters of olden days would have pilloried in their columns.
But the 'end' of the oil crisis gives us room for the discussion of the upcoming elections. A poll taken early in the month shows that Republicans might not only take control of one or both houses of Congress, they will have a plurality of state legislatures and governorships as well. As expected, Sarah Palin was quoted as saying something completely startling and controversial, then noticed that no one was listening to her. Christine O'Donnell was promising to 'end masturbating as we know it'. Sharron Angle, Harry (there IS a God!) Reid's opponent for re-election, was hinting that guns were the answer when elections weren't.
"Death panels!", Sarah sputters. "Taxes can kill! Russia is spying on my house!"
But it was no use, the new faces brought their 'A' games -
"People ask me, 'What are you going to do to develop jobs in your state?' Well, that's not my job as a U.S. senator."* –Sharron Angle
"We went to a movie and then had a midnight picnic on a satanic altar."* Christine O'Donnell
"We needed to have the press be our friend ... We wanted them to ask the questions we want to answer so that they report the news the way we want it to be reported."*--Sharron Angle
"American scientific companies are cross-breeding humans and animals and coming up with mice with fully functioning human brains."* --Christine O'Donnell
Sarah was stymied. never in her wildest imaginings did she envision other Republican women being even more controversial and outrageous than her. She calls her old friend Michelle Bachman for advice.
"I don't know where they're going to get all this money because we're running out of rich people in this country."--Michelle Bachmann
Defeated, Sarah slipped into a perky funk. Besides political punditry and queenmaking, she had nothing left now but her reality show(200k/week), speaking engagements(100k/speech), book deals(1.25 million bucks in advance for latest), TV appearances on Oprah, Larry King, etc. and the adulation of most of the masses, at least, the masses that want their President to be no smarter than their Pilates instructor.
ex._Gov. Palin's spirits are buoyed by a poll in late September that indicates Obama is falling out of favor faster than her. Not only that, but sales of the Sarah Palin Talking Points Doll® were double that of the Barack Obama ch-ch-Chia Pet™.
October
Dismayed by his poll numbers, and rebuffed when he offered to campaign for fellow Democrats, Obama did what he usually does, and reached across the aisle to the Republicans with one hand, while slapping his liberal supporters with the other. It was useless, nothing he did seemed to make the Republicans like him. "I don't get it.." said the President to White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel. "I gave up the public option in the health bill for them, I did away with drug-price bargaining. Hell Rahm, I saved the health-insurance industry. You know, I am beginning to think that it isn't my policies that the Republicans are upset about. I think, and this may sound crazy, but I think that they just want power, and would steamroll Mother Teresa, were she to get in their way."
"@#$^ that old bat", Said Rahm
"And my base? What up with them? I got a finance reform bill passed. 'no teeth, little power to regulate', they tell me. I get a credit-card reform bill passed. 'No teeth, doesn't go far enough', yadda, yadda. Close Guantanamo, put Bush on trial, end the wars, live up to my early promise, their demands never cease."
"@#%& 'em in the #$&!" Rahm counseled. "They are a bunch of sniveling &*%$s anyway.
"Well, at least I still have my friends and advisors, loyal to a fault, sticking by me in these tough days. Rahm, are you packing?"
"%$#@& &^%$# right I am. I don't hang with @#$#-&^%$%-ed loser types. I'm going back to $%#%ing Chicago, where politics is played the way I talk. Send me an e-mail when your &^%^ finally drop." Rahm said jovially.
When allegations of infidelity on the part of her eldest child, husband, Ashton Kutcher surfaced, it was noted that wife Demi Moore seemed not to care; if anything, she defended him and leaned on him even more in public. Could the rumors be false? No way, man, they were printed in the Enquirer, (sadly) our most reliable and accurate source of news in America today. Well, it turns out that not even the scandal rags got the whole story. It seems that, yes, Ashton was sleeping around, with women picked out for him by Demi, who would often join in the fun. Because of this, The Society of Men Everywhere presented Demi Moore with their annual Wife of The Year Award. Demi left the awards banquet early, but not before slipping hotel room keys to one of the hostesses and two Filipino salad girls.
If you don't mind, I'd like to skip
November
Thanks. Gee what a month that was! Americans once again voted into office the people who vote against the American people every chance they get. Good men and women were thrown out of office by a wave of incredible fury and stupidity. Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity(the Furies), Glenn Beck and Mike Savage(the stupids) were all admitted to hospitals for dislocated shoulders, caused by attempts to pat themselves on the back.
And the 1st order of business? These new lawmakers, elected serve America's interests and promote America, to legislate and pass bills that help its people, have decided that, in the words of the incoming Senate Majority leader Mitch McConnell, "The single most important thing we want to achieve is for President Obama to be a one-term president*." It has to be a power grab; Obama has done more for the republican agenda than any actual Republican president up to and including Reagan.
Here is Obama's modus operandi; Whatever issue is on the table, Obama first says "The Republicans are wrong on this issue because....". Then he says "It would be a bad thing for the country if the Republians get their way on this." Finally, he will cave on every Republican demand, and say someting like this at the signing; "This bill is not perfect, but is a baby step in the right direction....". Obama, crawling on your hands and knees before John Boehner does not constitute 'baby steps', OK?
So anyway, I'm glad I don't have to bring up November. Would it be too much to ask if we could skip.....
December
...as well? Yeah, man up, I get it.
December wasn't so bad, once you get used to the idea that over half of your neighbors and friends vote like a chicken at the fair plays the piano.
Obama had to re-invent how he worked with Congress; he listens to the Republicans, he jettisons measures from bills if they object, which Republicans tend to do with any provision that prevents the rich from hoarding their money, or having to give it up as taxes. He invites Republicanss to lunch at the White House, and is ignoring the people who got him elected.....I'm sorry, that was a typo. Obama did Not have to change anything.
But he did try one more stretch of the olive branch; on the 31st. President Obama changed parties! He is now a Republican, and has promised to "support the republican agenda, as soon as they formulate one." In a statement released to what passes for a press corps, the Republican leadership excoriated Obama for 1) Not switching parties sooner, and 2) Not actively seeking his own impeachment. "When will this President curb his socialist tendencies and help us finish the job of privatizing Congress. When will the National Parks go on sale? When will the President (for now) get behind our Steady Climate bill, calling for, among other things, solar panels to be condemned as 'public eyesores' and banned. "
Well, friends, that is it for the year, sorry it wasn't funnier. Or filled with happier news. Or written better. I am lowballing my expectations for 2011, and therefore wishing for you all a
HAPPIER NEW YEAR!
*an actual quote
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