March 10, 2011

• Got A Problem? Tell It To Mullah

  
  Mullah Ahkuda bin Akontenda's advice column appears in the Wahabbi Herald Inquisitor every Sunday except during Ramadan
  
  

   

  Esteemed Mullah,

  I am a virtuous woman, chaste and pure. As an obedient daughter should, I await my father's decision as to whom I shall marry. To help the family better afford the burden of my presence, and to help fatten the dowry, I have taken employment in a retail shop.

  Now to my problem, may Allah see fit to give you the power to help me. My employer seeks to compromise my virtue; he has offered me money to engage in unspeakable wickedness, and says that if I refuse, he will tell everyone that I did the abominable deeds anyway. Mullah, he is a man of substance and means, and has influence in the community. How can I resolve this situation, continue to contribute to the family's finances, and save my honor?

               Chaste in Aden

  Dear Chaste,

     Whore! Temptress of men! Thine evil cannot be undone. I have told your brothers and they will address your stain on the family honor.

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  Dear Mullah,

  I am a dutiful wife, I obey my husband, comply when he wishes to make sport, and take his beatings with the spirit of love  with which they are given. Lately, however, my husband has been too tired to beat me when he comes home, which is later and later these days, and sport-making has become infrequent. Yesterday at dinner, when he half-heartedly slapped me for serving runny hummus, I saw fresh scrapes on his knuckles. I fear, most wise Mullah, that my husband has been beating another woman. Tell me. I beg you, what am I to do?

                unmarked in Marrakesh

  Dear unmarked,

  Drain the hummus before bringing it to the table, or use slightly less oil, and mix well before serving.

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  Dear Mullah,

  Please tell me, most learned Mullah, how it is that women, so beautiful in their myriad ways,  came to be so vilified in our culture and theology.  Enlighten me as to how the same breast that fed us all at the beginning of life can harbor such evil as you and the scriptures claim?

                   curious in Khartoum

  Dear Curious,

  Woman, beautiful? How would you know, unless you have seen the shapely servants of Satan unveiled? A morals squad is on its way to your house, they will find your picture books, your computer files of bare-ankled, shoeless succubi, and begin your re-education with a sound thrashing.

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  For more advice from the mullah, go here

  The mullah is a certified judge of the public morals, and has 20 years experience enforcing the laws of Mohammad on the streets of Medina. And, ladies? He's still single!

  • 6:10 am
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