November 29, 2014

  • If Any State Were To Do This, It Would Be……

    FLORIDA GOVERNOR SIGNS "HONEST MISTAKE" BILL---
    (Tallahassee, Florida)- In a ceremony held on the steps of the state Capitol, Governor Scott today signed into law a bill known as the "Honest Mistake" bill, which protects anyone who hurts, maims, or kills another person or persons, because of a sincere belief that said person or persons meant the attacker harm. The bill reads, in part, "No one shall be indicted, arrested, nor otherwise face legal or civil penalty for causing injury, fear, or death upon another, if said other person has been perceived to be .... a threat, even if the perception was false, if said perception was arrived at on the basis of the best information available at the time.....of the incident."
    "Dang! This don't come soon enough for me!" says Danny "blindbat' Sargent, of Opa-Locka, who had been charged with 2nd degree murder of his neighbor, who had been raking leaves near the property line the two shared. Sargent, who was outside feeding his hunting dogs, saw his neighbor Hank Tankeray, making odd motions with his hands. "I seen what looked like a rifle in his hands. I couldn't see the rake end, 'cause my view was blocked by my wife's car. I dint have no time to wait and see if it really was a gun, or why Hank wanted me dead, I did what I had to do. I got two kids still livin' at home, and their young'uns, too. You'da done the same thing!"
    "We did consider the possibility that there might be a bump in the homicide statistics," Said Taylor County Sheriff Bud "bud" Budgerigar, "but they would fall in the "cleared" category, thus not boosting our stats negatively."
    Others aren't so sure. "I'm not sure, said Sam Freleng (D), one of a handful who opposed the bill. "what if a kid playfully points his finger like it was a gun," at which point the Representative demonstrated the activity, and its getting dark, and someone...."
    At that moment, a man who had been watching the interview yelled. He's got a gun!" and fired his own weapon, A blue-metaled Sig Sauer with a 12-round clip and modified trigger mechanism, ( Continued on page 7)

October 13, 2014

  • SHORT, STUBBY TALES, pt.1

    The target approached the bushes where Ito crouched, his black garb blending into the shadows, and again Ito hesitated.
    "What if he sees me me, and draws his sword before I strike? Better I should wait until he passes me by then slip up and stab him from behind, Yes! That is what I shall do."
    The figure walked by Ito, oblivious to his presence, and the assassin made to strike....
    "What if he hears me?" Ito thinks, "That is a sharp sword he has, he might be good with it, too.... I know!", Ito silently exults as he digs into a pocket of his shozoku, "I will kill him with a well-thrown star before he re-enters the house, and I have lost my last chance to fulfill my duty."
    Again, he fidgets, adjusts his posture, starts to throw, then brings his arm down to his sighing disgustedly, as the one marked for death blithely enters his house and sanctuary.
    "I probably would have missed. "Maybe I will get another chance tomorrow, if the weather isn't bad."
    Such is the drive to prevail, to carry out the warlord's commands , yet only if conditions are just right. Such is the code of the Ninja Worrier

August 7, 2014

  • Ode To An Old Friend Who Is No Longer With Us

    C’mon! Have fun, friend, go play in the sand,
    Go make me smile, you most beautiful man
    To the music you hear, go on now, dance
    Dance with yourself, dance for your friends

    In your candy-store world, bright pretty and sweet
    You must peer in every jar, and sample each treat
    Look in every single window on every single street
    Fashion new friends out of everyone you meet

    We all have our duties, yours isn’t to hurry
    your’s isn’t to deal with it, get real, or worry
    Others are obliged to take care of life’s business
    Fight wars, wage crime, make deals, collect interest

    Go on now, have fun, make the watching world’s day
    Take what we think matters most and throw it all away
    Dive the deepest water, we’ll watch you from the quay
    We wish we were more like you, no matter what we say

April 23, 2014

  • Not Another BeeGees Parody!

    CAN WE EVEN MEND THIS BROKEN LAND?

    I remember, back in the day, when trying to make a life
    For one's family was easy enough to do
    Keep your time card punched in, work 9-5, an hour for lunch then

    What the heck's happened to this land?
    Our parents' safety net has fallen down
    No way to retire on this joke of a pension,
    Our structures are all unsound
    The body politic is floundering
    How did those losers ever win?
    So tell me then, my homeless friend, when did your COBRA end?

    I can still recall the ease with I purchased DVD's
    Or any grown-up toy that caught my eye
    Our church took up a collection, just so we could afford to pay attention

    WTF happened to the middle class?
    The American dream has been outsourced
    Why does a car cost more than internal organs?
    When we were safer on a horse
    How can we mend this broken land?
    Get up and running once again?
    I'd like to help out, but right now it's time for CSI once again.

April 20, 2014

  • CORPORATIONS, PLEASE HAVE YOUR ID's READY

    Now that corporations, thanks to the Supreme Court’s decision re Citizens United, have been granted personhood, many questions come to mind:

    1) Can companies that want to merge get hitched by the Vatican? BTW, shouldn’t the Catholic Church be registered as a sex offender?
    2) Shouldn’t older, established companies that seek to buy smaller, younger firms be considered pervs?
    3) Will amnesty be granted to the 1000's of illegal companias that can be expected to migrate northward, seeking economic freedom and a larger customer base?
    4) Are corporations male or female? I would say male, because they hate to admit when they’re wrong. However, try to get a straight answer from one about it’s latest quarterly loss…..
    5) Could advertising now be considered Bragging, and thus frowned upon? (could be a bright side to Citizens united, after all)
    6) I wonder how many famous corporations have been recruited into Scientology?
    7) Do viruses that hack into corporate files now fall under the purview of the Center for Disease Control?
    8) Does this make Warren Buffett and the Koch Brothers polygamists?
    9) Is it true that Karl Rove was just hired by Wal-Mart to head an “exploratory committee”? And what are Exxon, Ford Motors, and Apple doing in Iowa this week?
    10) If General Electric ever went private, would it have to change it’s name?

    More later; right now, I have to get ready for my lunch date with this cute little start-up I met at Spinnaker’s.

April 18, 2014

  • A SONG FOR THE INCREDIBLY CREDULOUS

    Fool Somebody

    There's a lie
    A certain kind of lie
    That will never appeal to me
    That wouldn't fool a blind donkey
    But it fools you

    Must be the way that liars say
    Things so fantastically untrue
    garbage a goat would refuse
    But it fools you, m'gawd does it ever fool you, babe!

    What the hell does it take.
    tell me how can this spell I break?
    You believe a right-winger
    who crosses his fingers
    When he talks to you

    I don't care
    If my opinion you won't share
    Just please tell me where
    you learned that telling lies is fair
    That the truth is a game, where
    You get to pick the facts
    that fit your story
    Life ain't that way, I'm sorry
    All the facts you have to use, you cannot be choosy

    It's not enough to sound right
    If you can't tell heat from light
    research and study
    don't trust anybody
    Go now, seek the truth

    You know you wouldn't buy
    A used car from that guy
    He's only using you
    He's a galoot, bullshit stuffed in a suit
    He doesn't believe himself, why do you?
    Under his hairdo,
    Nothing is there, boo
    His words should scare you

February 15, 2014

  • BIEBER, LOHAN, AND FORD

    Does anybody here know what happened to Martin?
    Who steered young Bieber wrong?
    The last I heard he was high up in an airplane
    Puking into his bong

    Has evr'rybody heard about Toronto?
    And Mayor Ford 's seeming lack of shame
    He says he only gorged on beer, booze, and vino
    To wash down his pills and cocaine

    Has anybody heard much from Lindsey Lohan?
    her star power is on the fade
    That's a given , she's been in more prisons
    Than flicks that she ever made.

    Has anybody here spotted Miley lately?
    which pole is she writhing upon?
    I saw her last week, riding nude on a Harley
    through the local Bed Bath, & Beyond

    Has anybody here made a legal boo-boo
    Yet avoided both judge and court?
    Unless you're famous, it won't happen for you
    Because you're not Bieber, Lohan, or Ford

February 9, 2014

July 31, 2013

  • Sad, Sad, Sad

    Sally deeply regretted quitting a secure job for the lure of the stage. Her jokes fell flat, her beloved English ballads were not greeted warmly by the crowd, who snickered derisively at her ill-fitting green shoes and and jester's hat. Yes, she was definitely going through a difficult minstrel period

July 22, 2013

  • CHUMMED OUT

      SHARK FISHING IN AMERICA

    presented without interruption by Mel Famy of Xanga

    "We were ready for our first day hunting the Predator of the Sea, the Scourge of Seven Oceans, Inspiration of many Deadly Cliches, the shark. The crew was scurrying about on deck, doing technical shark-catching things. "Sharkfin Don" was manning the helm, scanning the water ahead for God-knows-what, since we had a raytheon 5500 Shark Detector scanning the depths, where, you know, the sharks are.  Frank "Jaws" Massey was adding a 20-foot wire leader to his line, while swapping lies with "Cartilage"(don't ask), who was loading the chum cannon.We were pumped for this expedition, and I had just opened my 3rd beer when....."

    Say what?!? A chum cannon? There's such a thing? How incredibly cool! Does Dave Barry know about this? Oh, he's retired, and only writes occasionally now, and only about his late-in-life kids, or his memory. This is right up his alley, no one covers stupid stories quite like him.  

     

    chum gun

    Always shoot downwind, Like Jessie here

     

    Yes, Virginia, there is a chum cannon. Kentucky, Ohio, time for bed!

    Chum is defined as, and I quote :

     

    "n. -- Bait usually consisting of oily fish ground up and scattered on the water." American Heritage Dictionary.  From the same source, we get the definition of  cannon:

     " n.---a mounted gun for firing fish guts". 

     

    Put the two together and you have something better than wedgies, food fights, and cow-tipping combined. 

     

    I guess it is important to spread offal far and wide in order to keep the gulls away from the boat, for obvious reasons ("We've got to chum over there, so they won't slime us over here") . Beyond the chum cannon's use in overfishing our near-offshore waters, however, think about the possibilities. The mirthful, messy, and possibly illegal in Delaware possibilities. Drive-by chumming is less deadly than using Glocks or Tek-9's, but just as effective in disrupting a rival gang's street-level drug dealing. Who wants to buy their addictive substances from a slinger with fish guts on his do-rag? Dried scales on  his Nike P-Rod 2 Colorways? Not me! The police might find it useful in crowd control situations. Constitution aside, it would certainly inhibit freedom of assembly. Food fights would escalate to the degree that the UN would get involved.

    I am sure that a shoulder-mounted version is in the works. This is the logical successor to PaintBall fights. Safe as milk, and it is actual blood and guts! No argument over whether you missed or not. In close games, one could count the flies on each other. And on Halloween? I don't need to spell it out, do I? Invest in extra candy this year, is my advice.

    ".....So, our trip cut short after Cartilage's terrible accident with the chum-grinder, we started  back to port, knowing in our hearts that we had enough beer to make the.."

    What, they have chum-grinders?  Cool! I guess it can double as a martini mixer, I bet the Sopranos would want one for Tony's boat....
     
     

July 21, 2013

June 23, 2013

  • BACKYARD MENAGERIE

    I spend a lot of time in the backyard with my homies....

     

    Mr. Sourpuss here would not even acknowledge my presence

     

     

    You talkin' to me?

    Anything you can do, i can do better...

    No you can't...

    Yes, I Can!

    Not every applicant is accepted as a citizen in my bailiwick. These guys are undergoing the screening process...

    I'm molting, do you mind...?

    Mama tried to raise some chicks in nest built in these reeds, but a blackbird raided the nest and destroyed the eggs

June 6, 2013

  • TAKE A MINUTE TO READ THIS....

    NO SECOND ACTS

     

    Characters:

    Ben Hoyle- Unsucessful playwright, but one who never gives up

    Dan Boyle- Unsuccessful playwright, who has just about decided to pack it in, and go to work in his dad's advertising firm.
    -------------------------------------------

    The curtain opens on a deli , a window overlooks Broadway. At a table by the window, two men are in the middle of a heated discussion.....

    Boyle: You're crazy! Who would pay to see a one-minute play?

    Hoyle: No one, of course. But Boyle, what if 30 or 40 one-minute plays were presented in one night? Think of it! With set and costume changes, it would take two hours, a little more. With the attention span of the average American getting shorter by the year, no one would get bored. If one or two plays suck, so what? We replace 'em, or do a rewrite.

    Boyle (warming up to the idea a little): Rotate the actors, so they have time to change clothes.

    Hoyle: And we all make some quick easy money!

    Boyle:  Yes!(excited, jumps up on the table, and begins to sing)

    I will do it! I will do it!

    I will write a one-act play that takes one minute to get through it

    Hoyle: Let's get to it, let's get down to it

    Boyle: Convince our writer buddies they should be a party to it

    Together:

    we will make use of all of our skills in
    composing brief pieces that are thrillin',
    and chillin', and will bring the crowds in
    and make ourselves a killing,  yes let's ...DO-OOOooOOO IT!

    (Exeunt to the sound of furious typing)