April 20, 2014

  • CORPORATIONS, PLEASE HAVE YOUR ID’s READY

    Now that corporations, thanks to the Supreme Court’s decision re Citizens United, have been granted personhood, many questions come to mind:

    1) Can companies that want to merge get hitched by the Vatican? BTW, shouldn’t the Catholic Church be registered as a sex offender?
    2) Shouldn’t older, established companies that seek to buy smaller, younger firms be considered pervs?
    3) Will amnesty be granted to the 1000′s of illegal companias that can be expected to migrate northward, seeking economic freedom and a larger customer base?
    4) Are corporations male or female? I would say male, because they hate to admit when they’re wrong. However, try to get a straight answer from one about it’s latest quarterly loss…..
    5) Could advertising now be considered Bragging, and thus frowned upon? (could be a bright side to Citizens united, after all)
    6) I wonder how many famous corporations have been recruited into Scientology?
    7) Do viruses that hack into corporate files now fall under the purview of the Center for Disease Control?
    8) Does this make Warren Buffett and the Koch Brothers polygamists?
    9) Is it true that Karl Rove was just hired by Wal-Mart to head an “exploratory committee”? And what are Exxon, Ford Motors, and Apple doing in Iowa this week?
    10) If General Electric ever went private, would it have to change it’s name?

    More later; right now, I have to get ready for my lunch date with this cute little start-up I met at Spinnaker’s.

April 18, 2014

  • A SONG FOR THE INCREDIBLY CREDULOUS

    Fool Somebody

    There’s a lie
    A certain kind of lie
    That will never appeal to me
    That wouldn’t fool a blind donkey
    But it fools you

    Must be the way that liars say
    Things so fantastically untrue
    garbage a goat would refuse
    But it fools you, m’gawd does it ever fool you, babe!

    What the hell does it take.
    tell me how can this spell I break?
    You believe a right-winger
    who crosses his fingers
    When he talks to you

    I don’t care
    If my opinion you won’t share
    Just please tell me where
    you learned that telling lies is fair
    That the truth is a game, where
    You get to pick the facts
    that fit your story
    Life ain’t that way, I’m sorry
    All the facts you have to use, you cannot be choosy

    It’s not enough to sound right
    If you can’t tell heat from light
    research and study
    don’t trust anybody
    Go now, seek the truth

    You know you wouldn’t buy
    A used car from that guy
    He’s only using you
    He’s a galoot, bullshit stuffed in a suit
    He doesn’t believe himself, why do you?
    Under his hairdo,
    Nothing is there, boo
    His words should scare you

February 15, 2014

  • BIEBER, LOHAN, AND FORD

    Does anybody here know what happened to Martin?
    Who steered young Bieber wrong?
    The last I heard he was high up in an airplane
    Puking into his bong

    Has evr’rybody heard about Toronto?
    And Mayor Ford ‘s seeming lack of shame
    He says he only gorged on beer, booze, and vino
    To wash down his pills and cocaine

    Has anybody heard much from Lindsey Lohan?
    her star power is on the fade
    That’s a given , she’s been in more prisons
    Than flicks that she ever made.

    Has anybody here spotted Miley lately?
    which pole is she writhing upon?
    I saw her last week, riding nude on a Harley
    through the local Bed Bath, & Beyond

    Has anybody here made a legal boo-boo
    Yet avoided both judge and court?
    Unless you’re famous, it won’t happen for you
    Because you’re not Bieber, Lohan, or Ford

February 9, 2014

July 31, 2013

  • Sad, Sad, Sad

    Sally deeply regretted quitting a secure job for the lure of the stage. Her jokes fell flat, her beloved English ballads were not greeted warmly by the crowd, who snickered derisively at her ill-fitting green shoes and and jester’s hat. Yes, she was definitely going through a difficult minstrel period

July 22, 2013

  • CHUMMED OUT

      SHARK FISHING IN AMERICA

    presented without interruption by Mel Famy of Xanga

    We were ready for our first day hunting the Predator of the Sea, the Scourge of Seven Oceans, Inspiration of many Deadly Cliches, the shark. The crew was scurrying about on deck, doing technical shark-catching things. “Sharkfin Don” was manning the helm, scanning the water ahead for God-knows-what, since we had a raytheon 5500 Shark Detector scanning the depths, where, you know, the sharks are.  Frank “Jaws” Massey was adding a 20-foot wire leader to his line, while swapping lies with “Cartilage”(don’t ask), who was loading the chum cannon.We were pumped for this expedition, and I had just opened my 3rd beer when…..”

    Say what?!? A chum cannon? There’s such a thing? How incredibly cool! Does Dave Barry know about this? Oh, he’s retired, and only writes occasionally now, and only about his late-in-life kids, or his memory. This is right up his alley, no one covers stupid stories quite like him.  

     

    chum gun

    Always shoot downwind, Like Jessie here

     

    Yes, Virginia, there is a chum cannon. Kentucky, Ohio, time for bed!

    Chum is defined as, and I quote :

     

    n. – Bait usually consisting of oily fish ground up and scattered on the water.” American Heritage Dictionary.  From the same source, we get the definition of  cannon:

     n.—a mounted gun for firing fish guts”. 

     

    Put the two together and you have something better than wedgies, food fights, and cow-tipping combined. 

     

    I guess it is important to spread offal far and wide in order to keep the gulls away from the boat, for obvious reasons (“We’ve got to chum over there, so they won’t slime us over here”) . Beyond the chum cannon’s use in overfishing our near-offshore waters, however, think about the possibilities. The mirthful, messy, and possibly illegal in Delaware possibilities. Drive-by chumming is less deadly than using Glocks or Tek-9′s, but just as effective in disrupting a rival gang’s street-level drug dealing. Who wants to buy their addictive substances from a slinger with fish guts on his do-rag? Dried scales on  his Nike P-Rod 2 Colorways? Not me! The police might find it useful in crowd control situations. Constitution aside, it would certainly inhibit freedom of assembly. Food fights would escalate to the degree that the UN would get involved.

    I am sure that a shoulder-mounted version is in the works. This is the logical successor to PaintBall fights. Safe as milk, and it is actual blood and guts! No argument over whether you missed or not. In close games, one could count the flies on each other. And on Halloween? I don’t need to spell it out, do I? Invest in extra candy this year, is my advice.

    “…..So, our trip cut short after Cartilage’s terrible accident with the chum-grinder, we started  back to port, knowing in our hearts that we had enough beer to make the..”

    What, they have chum-grinders?  Cool! I guess it can double as a martini mixer, I bet the Sopranos would want one for Tony’s boat….
     
     

July 21, 2013

June 23, 2013

  • BACKYARD MENAGERIE

    I spend a lot of time in the backyard with my homies….

     

    Mr. Sourpuss here would not even acknowledge my presence

     

     

    You talkin’ to me?

    Anything you can do, i can do better…

    No you can’t…

    Yes, I Can!

    Not every applicant is accepted as a citizen in my bailiwick. These guys are undergoing the screening process…

    I’m molting, do you mind…?

    Mama tried to raise some chicks in nest built in these reeds, but a blackbird raided the nest and destroyed the eggs

June 6, 2013

  • TAKE A MINUTE TO READ THIS….

    NO SECOND ACTS

     

    Characters:

    Ben Hoyle- Unsucessful playwright, but one who never gives up

    Dan Boyle- Unsuccessful playwright, who has just about decided to pack it in, and go to work in his dad’s advertising firm.
    ——————————————-

    The curtain opens on a deli , a window overlooks Broadway. At a table by the window, two men are in the middle of a heated discussion…..

    Boyle: You’re crazy! Who would pay to see a one-minute play?

    Hoyle: No one, of course. But Boyle, what if 30 or 40 one-minute plays were presented in one night? Think of it! With set and costume changes, it would take two hours, a little more. With the attention span of the average American getting shorter by the year, no one would get bored. If one or two plays suck, so what? We replace ‘em, or do a rewrite.

    Boyle (warming up to the idea a little): Rotate the actors, so they have time to change clothes.

    Hoyle: And we all make some quick easy money!

    Boyle:  Yes!(excited, jumps up on the table, and begins to sing)

    I will do it! I will do it!

    I will write a one-act play that takes one minute to get through it

    Hoyle: Let’s get to it, let’s get down to it

    Boyle: Convince our writer buddies they should be a party to it

    Together:

    we will make use of all of our skills in
    composing brief pieces that are thrillin’,
    and chillin’, and will bring the crowds in
    and make ourselves a killing,  yes let’s …DO-OOOooOOO IT!

    (Exeunt to the sound of furious typing)

April 22, 2013

  • Rivers Run Through It…

    ….North Florida, that is. And I checked out a couple of them on my way back north after visiting with family

     

    The Econfina River, near Perry, Florida, runs a mere 44 miles before draining into Appalachee Bay

     

     

    The Chipola River is the largest tributary of the Appalachicola River, and sports 63 springs along its course

    The Suwannee River, subject of song and lore….

    Another shot of the Suwannee

    The largest of these three would not cover a shirt button

    These are tiny puffballs on a pine log

    Back to the theme now, this is the Econfina Creek, north of Panama City. Econfina means ‘Earth bridge’ in the Creek Indian language. There is still a natural bridge over the river.

    Mountain Laurel, now at the peak of its flowering

     

April 4, 2013

  • Time for the Mountain Laurel

    April is Mountain Laurel Month in north Bay Bounty. The bushes along the Econfina Creek are putting on a showy display, as the Wild Azalea and Mountain Laurel are blooming simultaneously

     

     

    These Black Vultures thought I looked downright tasty….

     

    The rains of late have swollen the creek

     

    Saw the Azalea first..

     

     

     

     

    The one flower just couldn’t stay awake

    I should have more pics this weekend, when the bloom is at it peak.

March 19, 2013

  • AN IMPLIED CRITIQUE OF KILMER

    I think I shall never see a poem as lovely as a tree

    I’m unhip to any script with more buzz than a bee

    I ‘ve never seen an eagle that was bald-faced as a lie

    Nor was any essay I have spied as bright as fireflies

    No one ever wrote a note as well-read as a beet is

    No rumor’s near as scorching as August’s brutal heat is

    No volumes of prehistory appear in pouches upon wallabies

    Or Newsweeks in the yellow beaks of any birds of paradise

    I don’t believe that sailors speak any saltier than a clam

    And nary a bear was e’er compared to a lover’s candy-gram

    I’ve never found a frescoe as sumptuous as a feast

    Or met a metaphor sans flaws; the end, to say the least.

March 14, 2013

  • Hey Iran! Sue Me Too, You Whining Wimps!

    Iran has declared its intention to sue Hollywood over what they claim are unfair depictions of their country. Among the movies that have aroused the country’s ire are Argo*, 300 Spartans, The Wrestler(??), and “Not Without My Daughter”.

    The lawyer representing Iran will be French attorney Isabelle Coutant Peyre, who has in the past represented Carlos the Jackal (Ilich Ramirez Sanchez), the imprisoned terrorist whom she has since married. Other clients include a serial murderer jailed for life in Thailand, Zacharias Moussaui, the so-called 20th 9/11 bomber (life in prison), and Roger Garaudy, a Muslim convert who denies the Holocaust as well as Israel’s right to exist (240,000 fr fine and a suspended sentence).

    I guess Iran isn’t in this to win.

    Stories like this make me want to do atrocious things to images of their prophet, just to see the apoplectic faces in the inevitable crowd reaction shots. I don’t want to do this out of pure meanness; or just to rattle cages, although both are factors. I don’t want to immerse a Mohammed figurine in a tall glass of HE’BREW beer, Photoshop a pic of him carrying his young bride’s books to elementary school, or with six-pointed stars tattooed on his arms and bared chest, I don’t want to do these things because I hate Islam, I don’t. Islam has been the fount of many ideas and acts that have benefited the world. Most Muslims just live their lives in the same manner as Americans, they work, marry, provide for their families, and hope for economic stability.

    The image we have of Islam is that of the most media-hungry factions, the America-haters, the Jew-haters, the haters of their own fellow muslims who worship the same God in a slightly different fashion My modest goal is to make the head of those hard-core radical muslims explode, their blood vessels bursting in righteous, ideologically pure fury. So sue me.

    Iran, I’m sorry, you only speak through your attorney? Very well; Mme. Peyre, would ask your client why, if they don’t like our movies, do they watch them? Why don’t make their own? Why did you marry a terrorist? Have you ever won a case? Have you no shame? Would you be interested in defending Tom Delay in his appeals process

     

     

    * Up for an award as the Clumsiest Phrase of the Month