July 22, 2013

• CHUMMED OUT

    SHARK FISHING IN AMERICA

  presented without interruption by Mel Famy of Xanga

  "We were ready for our first day hunting the Predator of the Sea, the Scourge of Seven Oceans, Inspiration of many Deadly Cliches, the shark. The crew was scurrying about on deck, doing technical shark-catching things. "Sharkfin Don" was manning the helm, scanning the water ahead for God-knows-what, since we had a raytheon 5500 Shark Detector scanning the depths, where, you know, the sharks are.  Frank "Jaws" Massey was adding a 20-foot wire leader to his line, while swapping lies with "Cartilage"(don't ask), who was loading the chum cannon.We were pumped for this expedition, and I had just opened my 3rd beer when....."

  Say what?!? A chum cannon? There's such a thing? How incredibly cool! Does Dave Barry know about this? Oh, he's retired, and only writes occasionally now, and only about his late-in-life kids, or his memory. This is right up his alley, no one covers stupid stories quite like him.  

   

  

  Always shoot downwind, Like Jessie here

   

  Yes, Virginia, there is a chum cannon. Kentucky, Ohio, time for bed!

  Chum is defined as, and I quote :

   

  "n. -- Bait usually consisting of oily fish ground up and scattered on the water." American Heritage Dictionary.  From the same source, we get the definition of  cannon:

   " n.---a mounted gun for firing fish guts". 

   

  Put the two together and you have something better than wedgies, food fights, and cow-tipping combined. 

   

  I guess it is important to spread offal far and wide in order to keep the gulls away from the boat, for obvious reasons ("We've got to chum over there, so they won't slime us over here") . Beyond the chum cannon's use in overfishing our near-offshore waters, however, think about the possibilities. The mirthful, messy, and possibly illegal in Delaware possibilities. Drive-by chumming is less deadly than using Glocks or Tek-9's, but just as effective in disrupting a rival gang's street-level drug dealing. Who wants to buy their addictive substances from a slinger with fish guts on his do-rag? Dried scales on  his Nike P-Rod 2 Colorways™? Not me! The police might find it useful in crowd control situations. Constitution aside, it would certainly inhibit freedom of assembly. Food fights would escalate to the degree that the UN would get involved.

  I am sure that a shoulder-mounted version is in the works. This is the logical successor to PaintBall fights. Safe as milk, and it is actual blood and guts! No argument over whether you missed or not. In close games, one could count the flies on each other. And on Halloween? I don't need to spell it out, do I? Invest in extra candy this year, is my advice.

  ".....So, our trip cut short after Cartilage's terrible accident with the chum-grinder, we started  back to port, knowing in our hearts that we had enough beer to make the.."

  What, they have chum-grinders?  Cool! I guess it can double as a martini mixer, I bet the Sopranos would want one for Tony's boat....
   
   

  • 1:03 pm
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