To the Brother I Always Had

 

You came first, and then were gone

a couple more years, and I came along

Were you still the apple in his eye?

Why did he not find you? You hadn't died.

Was he afraid that you'd moved on?

That you'd divorced him, along with your Mom?

What was he seeing when he looked at me?

You, leading the team, excelling in school?

Lettered sweater, and nobody's fool?

When our Dad marked my height on the wall

was another mark there, maybe five feet tall?

I never could quite reach that measure

I always felt an invisible pressure

to meet the standards your absence set

Don't blame yourself, we never met

Know that after four decades apart

I think Dad still loved you, with all his heart

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dan was the product of my dad's 1st marriage, which broke up around 1950. I was vaguely aware that he existed,

but he had no idea that a half-brother was floating around. Thanks to the intertubes, Dan found me this week,

and we have since talked and exchanged photographs. I shaved my beard in order to note whatever

resemblance there might be between us.

me, thinking that I am smiling

Dan is slightly more identical than I

Dan looks enough like our father that my cousin got the shivers when she saw this picture.

Dan lives in Ohio, and is semi-retired. We plan on meeting next month, probably at my place in Panama City, as he says he likes the warmth. As I never had a big brother, or any siblings for that matter, we have some catching up to do. First, he is going to take me fishing on his bike, and I get to ride on the handle bars. Then he is gonna teach me to whistle. In return, I'm gonna tell on him for smoking cigarettes and looking at girlie mags.

 

I got a great reaction shot of Tom, the Captain on our boat, seeing me beardless for the first time....

CHARM SCHOOL

I'm havin' trouble passin' charm school
I can't keep from tellin' a fool he's a fool
My social graces ain't great, 
I'm more or less late for almost every date
I think my switchblade makes a great dining tool

My honey moved out, leaving only a letter
said she'd come back when my manners got better
What could I say besides Hasta la Veesta
And can you maybe hook me up with your sister?

Said she was tired of doin' all my fetchin'
of beer after beer that sets me to belchin'
I said 'C'mon honey, at least I work steady
I'm feelin' romantic, so go get the bed ready.

I'm rough around the edges that's for sure
my manners ain't pretty, my speech isn't pure
when I drink tea, all my fingers touch the cup
I don't say "charmed", I say gurl, wassup?

They say that there's a girl for every single guy
And you can find your soulmate if you will only try.
Be sure to tell the gal that fits me like a skin
that she's sure to like me for what she sees within
But my without is a pigsty, I'm as sloppy as sin 

I never cover my mouth when I cough or sneeze
My best pair of pants have holes in the knees
I call 'em like I see 'em as a majority rule
Because I never quite finished up in finishin' school.

 

 
 

The stranger turned to me after belching loudly. "Forgive me", he said, "I have the mannerisms of a goat."

"You mean the manners of a goat.", I corrected him with a chuckle.

That's when he head-butted me and tried to eat my tie.

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First, my wife buys a persian rug, then last week she brings home a little persian kitty.

What's with her? She knows I prefer a Spartan lifestyle!

 

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Who died, expired, left this mortal coil, met his/her maker, kicked the bucket, croaked, ceased to be, and made you Thesaurus?

 

------------------------------------------------

A limericku would

sound something like haiku but instead

be sing-song and funny

--------------------------------------------------

Touche, cliche, paper-mache, without that little thing over the last 'e', they are all so gauche.

 

If Obama's a commie, is it because of his Mommy

and the Muslims who washed his young brain clean?

To believe that, buddy, you're almost enough dumb to be

Intubated and wired to beeping machines.

 

True, he's not the best ever United States Pres,

However, he is far from the worst

His position stays one away from Rutherford Hayes

But Nixon, in worseness, comes first.

 

If I were a Venusian, I might find somewhat amusing,

the antics of the GOP nominees

as they lean ever rightward, but no matters who's chosen

They will probably nuke the Iranis.

 

With all due decorum, I nominate Rick Santorum

as the creepiest right-winger of all

He likes you barefoot and pregnant, ladies, he kisses dead babies

And you jerks prefer him to Ron Paul?

 

Your preferred face is that of Mitt Romney's

Who's posed in every state in our nation

As a severe conservative, a  reasoned centrist, a liberal wanna-be, 

He'll be a Classic Whig by his August nomination.

 

You don't think the globe's cooking, yet you swear Iran's nuking

when there is less proof for the latter

The facts they are concocting, you say of the scientists looking

Your ignorance makes me that much sadder.

 

On a basis that's daily, you support all actions Israeli

can't criticize That socialist state

Who cares if they censor me, they're fulfilling God's prophecy

Is free speech really that great?

 

But let the Muslims fight to be free, and you cry 'conspiracy!'

Arab Spring is a Caliphate plot!'

In their struggle I see our own founding revolutionaries

In your hypocrisy I do not.

 

So go on pretending you want freedom for all

you say let every man find his niche

But I know you don't care if the poor rise or if they fall 

As long as the rich stay very, very rich. 

 

 

Coleridge did it, Ginsburg too. Baudelaire wrote about it, and it's ALL Cheech and Chong ever talked about. My turn to write a drug poem, Salvia Dinvinorum gets a co-authoring credit.

 

 

Crystalline showers on titanium trees

A river of light flows  down to a shiny sea 

faceted mountains fall, in their place castles rise

and grow, til they touch pearl skies

Every atom's a sun, every thing is so bright

i see into it all with my own inner light

and all becomes nothing, no night ever darker

no change more sudden, no contrast starker

And He says to me, "it's going well, according to plan"

don't worry , don't fear, you're in good hands"

The words rang true in my darkened world,

Voice became light, and the world unfurled

It was the world I knew, yet it wasn't the same

But I can deal now, I have a friend in the game.

 

 

 

 

 

 

We were eastbound yesterday morning, near Dauphin Island, Alabama. The wind was 15 knots, straight out of the north.

Two pelicans were making lazy circles over the water, in front of and beside my position in the wheelhouse.....

This fella's neck craned when he saw me open the door to take his picture.

The follower is a younger pelican

 

I stole this list from my Captain, who stole it from the internets. To assuage my conscience, I added a couple of localities, and the title is mine

 

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. 

No one can prove I was ever in Cognito.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. Well, maybe not....

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimulation I can get!

I have a friend who lived in Cest, but he doesn't like to talk about it.

My wife looked in Credible, but found me in Ert.

I haven't been in Terred yet, but I will be eventually.

I hid out in Soluble, vainly hoping to blend in.

When mindsets collide, they can shatter
their component ideas can scatter,
mingle, and swirl and merge
beneath the sea it means not a thing
above, waves meld and reform
in new combinations
eddies of notions and oceans of thought
swirl and battle, how frothy they fought!
yet the tide comes in, and rolls back out
Friends don’t betray us by growing
Grow with them or toward them
or just be there for them,
feel the tide try to pull them away
don’t ever let them go

The red phone became an issue in the last Presidential campaign, when Hilary suggested that Obama might not be the best man

 to answer it in the wee hours. As it will become an issue in the upcoming election, I am jumping the gun, and re-releasing an 

old poem that no one liked the first time I posted it

Please tell me, if you can,
is the "Red Phone" really red? 
Does it rest on the nightstand
by the President's head?

Is there one ringtone for Putin, 
and another for Mayor Rahm?
Could he call an escort in,
if, say, he wanted to be Dommed?

Could the Red Phone be a rotary?
Nah, those are so outdated.
If the next President is Mitt Romney
Might red phones not be mandated?

Is it analog or digital? 
Is it wireless or cord?
Does Obama play "Snake" or 'Recall'
on it whenever he gets bored?

Is there a back-up connection
if by lightning it is zapped?
One point not in contention;
It's almost certainly tapped!

 

 

 

 

NEWT GINGRICH- SOME PREACH BETTER THAN THEY PRACTICE

HERMAN CAIN, BECAUSE HE FEELS FOR AMERICA

HERMAN CAIN, HE'LL GROW ON YOU

RICK SANTORUM, ALL UP IN YOUR BUSINESS

MITT ROMNEY-I'M WHATEVER YOU WANT ME TO BE

DONALD TRUMP- MY HAIR IS MY RUNNING MATE

NEWT GINGRICH - I WON'T QUIT THIS TIME

RICK PERRY - SUCCEED OR SECEDE 

 

 

1. JUST ONE MORE CHANCE!
2. OK, I THINK I GOT IT NOW
3. MY KIDS ARE CUTER
4. IT COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE
5. YOU DIDN'T BITCH WHEN BUSH DID IT
6. LET'S HOPE THE NEXT FOUR YEARS ARE BETTER, TOGETHER
7. THE NUCLEAR CODES DON'T CHANGE IF I LOSE, GET ME?
8. I'M ONLY HUMAN, OR DO I HAVE TO PROVE THAT, TOO?
9. I DID GET BIN LADEN, REMEMBER?
10. YOU'LL HEAR BETTER MUSIC AT AN OBAMA INAUGURATION, COUNT ON IT

I had trouble deciding which photos of last night's sunset to use in this blog, So I decided to put the finalists up, in chronological order, and let the viewers decide....

We were waiting to lock into the canal from the Mississippi River. However, due to

high water conditions, the usual practic of shoving into the levee was verboten.

So, we had to float, not making headway, adjusting constantly for the chaotic currents.

 

I was using this crane to gauge the movement of the tow

 

 

 

A while later, the sky was getting interesting.....

 

The clouds seemed to radiate from the direction of the sun

 

for over an hour we floated in a 300-400 foot range

 

 

That was when I started having trouble....

 

Not trouble, really, but a problem, sort of....

Well, a situation...[by the way , We are abreast of Bucyrus-Erie's dock on the west bank on the Mississippi River]

In a nut shell, I did not know which pictures to use; every second, the light, the color the emphasis, something

about the vista was in flux. It was a choice that Sophie would undoubtedly preferred....

 ...Even if she was allowed to pick only one. I sure couldn't pick just one of these photos as my favorite

 

{shhhhh!  Here's my least favorite}

 

 ....And it's a common problem during sunrises as well...

 

 

 

 

Taking advantage of a break in traffic, I steered across the river, so we would be ready for the lockmaster's call

 

...snapping pictures all the while

 

 

 

 

 

Let's get the pelican pics out of the way....

Look at me, Junie, I'm walkin' on the water! Look at me!

 

 

....and take a gander at these sunrisings and settings

Looking at New Orleans, from the eastern Intra-Coastal Waterway

Wait! There's more!

 

 

As more members of the large cat families enter the work force, they find that their independent and violent ways are unsuitable for today's modern work environment.

"They sleep all day, their breath is atrocious, and they growl and grumble whenever you ask them to do anything." So says Norbert Klaiber, personnel manager at Intra-State Warehousing, when asked why he refuses to hire any member of the cat family. "Oh sure, they are naturals in the security field, but they can't tell a groundskeeper from a burglar. And Last year, a lion in accounts receivable ATE our FedEx guy."

Norbert was not the only nerd with a funny name to open up to our reporters. Hortense McGillicuddy, branch manager of a local securities firm, had this to say. "While they do have some sales skills, they are very poor losers. They do not like the word 'no', and bear markets drive them into a frenzy." 

There Have been problems", Admits Ray "Ray" Swanson, counselor at a temporary employment agency. "But mainly the problem is people, people who hire big cats to work in occupations for which they are unsuited. "I have had some success in placing the big cats in factory jobs, assembly-line stuff, and leopards are great at sniffing out spoiled meat in grocery stores and meat-packing plants. We give them the 'kill' and they climb up in a tree out back with it.

And the labor isn't the only pool the larger felines swim in. "Tigers, especially, have the qualities we look for in group leaders and department heads." says Patrick Kimmel, a corporate 'head hunter'. "They are aggressive. single-minded, and don't care if they are well-liked or not, as long as they are respected. And respect they got. They know how to motivate a team. "Believe me", Kimmel averred, pointing to his newest client, all newly pin-striped and eager to get the interview over with, "After you've seen Rajah here toy and play with an unprepared presenter, batting his carcass around the room until he gets bored, you do NOT want to be an underperformer on his team."

Unfortunately, one can't seem too eager to move up the corporate ladder, as tigers are fiercely protectiveof their status once they have attained leadership. Last week Rajah was questioned in the mauling death in the parking lot of his co-leader, one Thurston Formoare, but was released due to insufficient evidence. And women on the board are advised to 'consider their monthlies' before deciding to attend meetings. "Just  a precaution", adds "Ray" Swanson, "Tigers do love to add to their harem when possible". There has also been a disturbing number of purported links to organized crime involving, yes, lynx.

Night clubs have experienced a decline in police calls since owners began hiring lions as door personnel and bouncers. "Hey, we run a legit business heah", says Lou "Beer" Barrel, owner of the Pussycat Lounge and Men's Club. We don' need no cops bargin' in whenever a customer gets...a little outta hand. My guys, Gautama and Buddha, stay nice and calm until there's a fracas, then they jump right in the da middle of it. A coupla times, yeah, it got messy, 'sall I'm sayin'. But once word got out, no more friggin' fracases! And I just hired their buddy, Siddhartha, to keep order in the parking lot."

Animal right's groups have asked the government to investigate several reported cases of unsafe and cruel working conditions. Your reporter managed to get inside an office where lions were made to do data entry in cramped cubicles, threatened and harried by 'trainers' carrying whips and wooden chairs. The defeated faces on these poor creatures told the story, these lions had no pride.

Senator Tom "He-Cat" Muldoon has introduced the Feral Wage and Labor act to address this and other problems connected with integrating members of the Panthera genus into the modern American workplace. "While some feline-Americans have done quite well, the majority are still paid well below median wage, and the impediments to advancement enormous; lack of a spoken language, inadequate schooling,poor social skills, etc. On the positive side, nearly all parties admit that the grooming habits of the large cats are, by and large, impeccable. I'm afraid," Says Senator Muldoon, "That most of our newest taxpayers will looking up at the glass canopy for decades to come."